When I Imagine Myself with a Woman

Every once in a while, I remember when I was a child watching the film "Look Who's Talking Now" with Kirstey Alley and John Travolta.  The one with the talking dogs...  There's a scene near the end of the film when the father is coming home to his family for Christmas after some troubles getting home.  The mother gets all emotional when she see's her husband and I remember when I was watching this, for some reason I thought to myself that I wanted a wife and a family one day.  I was about 10 and was afraid of my attractions towards other boys.  But for some reason, this film gave me this feeling on how nice it would be to have a wife and kids.  At the time, I felt certain that that's what I wanted.





Today the thought of being with a woman is certainly unpleasant.  It doesn't do much for me physically and of course I just don't have that connection with women that most guys have.  There were times when I would toy with the idea in my mind, but the fantasy of having a wife has died as I got older and figured myself out.  There are callings in each of us that our souls that we cannot deny.


Sometimes I toy with the idea in my head, being married to a woman and having kids and the white picket fence... It's just sooo not me ;) I imagine if I were in such a situation, where I lied to myself for too many years, that it would end in disaster.  I imagine that I would be falling in love with all of my new best friends and there would be this hole in my life I'd be wanting to fill but never being able to.  No pun intended. ;)




I had a girlfriend once... I even thought about marrying her and it wasn't even me who broke up with her.  She dumped me... maybe it was destiny... I mean look at all that I have done for the community for gay rights and understanding.  All of the people that I help be comfortable with what they feel inside and showing them that it's perfectly healthy for them to be going towards their happily ever after... Maybe not all of us get there, but I personally would rather not going crazy inside with a dream that would never have a chance to be fulfilled.




Some would say, just change your dreams.  Well yea, people's dreams do change at times because we become wiser through every experience that we have.  But the thing that always worked for me, is being true to myself and being good to all those who come across me.  I try my best. ;) I've been blessed with all of the good things that I've experienced in my life; a family who supports and loves me, a loving boyfriend who finds me irresistible, a sustainable job and all those wonderful people who follow me with a glimmer of hope in their eyes.




My childhood dream wasn't really for me, while some people might argue that it should have been.  Well I also wanted to be a police officer but do not have the physical capabilities to do so.  Our childhood dreams evolve and it's perfectly fine.  It just shows growth as a person and love for myself.  I may not be completely sold on a religion, but I am still seeking for "Truth" in myself, in those all around me and possibly the divine.

Something I Will Not Tolerate

Lately I've been thinking about the kind of world I'd like to live in with my lover, which has caused me to reevaluate how tolerant I should be towards anti-gay religious fanatics.  I dream of a world where my lover and I won't be looked at as perverts, a danger towards children, sinful based upon our expressions of love and finally a world where we will not have to be fearful to hold each other's hands in public.




I tell you this because I want people to really think about what it means to "wipe out homophobia"... I won't tolerate people who judge me just because my lover is the same sex as me, even if it's because of their religious beliefs.  You can't polish a turd, homophobia isn't something beautiful just because it's a part of your religion.  It is not any more tolerable just because your religious beliefs say differently.  Discrimination against those of a loving nature and while doing no harm is despicable and wrong.


Homophobia is disgusting, hateful, evil, shameful, degrading, etc.  If your religious beliefs are upsetting so many people who are not harming anyone, then what are your beliefs doing to them on the inside?  Every time you spout out your mouth to us, it tears up our soul a little bit, some more than others.  I'm past the point of caring what religious fanatics think about me but I do care that they are influencing vulnerable individuals to suppress their right to living the loving lives they desire.


I will not tolerate any form of homophobia!  My dream is that the world will "wipe out homophobia" because this is "the devil" that lurks in congregations and many other forms of communities.  We are not evil, nor are our expressions of love.  The real evil is the indifference that is caused by people in these communities.  You have no right to be upset about our own personal wishes and if you get in our way or speak out against us, then I wont tolerate it.




I tell all people with good wishes to follow your dreams and when someone tells you to tolerate people who disagree with you, know that they are not worth arguing with.  Because while "love can move mountains" some "brick walls" will just never fall until they start to parish.  Besides, your actions will always speak louder than words.  As long as you're following what you know is right in your heart and not harming anyone, then the divine will guide you to your destination of love.