Saturday 30 November 2013

Exploring More Options in Christian Ministry

This coming Friday I have a meeting with a professor who works in the Seminary.  We will be discussing my interest in continuing my journey in ministry through the church.  I also must mention that I am extremely thankful to my good friend and Anglican reverend, Emily Carr who has really paved the way for me in this beautiful spiritual path on which I finally am feeling the push forward into ministry work.  About two years ago I never would have thought that this would happen, during which time I was attending an Alliance church which was extremely fundamentalist.

In the past I felt the call to attend this and other churches in such denominations as Baptist and Pentecostal who seemed to harbor the same beliefs on the subject of same-sex relationships which the Alliance church stood for.  Which is that homosexuality in any situation is sinful and that if your passions remain too strong to be in a relationship with someone opposite gender as you, then you should remain celibate.  Also, you may not be a leader in their churches if you so much as openly support same-sex relationships because your views could corrupt the congregations and cause division in the church.

The problem with this sort of politic in the church, is that it does not consider those gay people that are burning with passions so much that they cannot control themselves.  I do believe that some gays are called to a life of celibacy, just like some hetero singles are.  However we can't ignore those who are burning out of control with passion for expressions of love.  Those who long for a companion in their body, mind and soul.

For gays like this, this sort of politic is in fact harmful.  Probably not indirectly from these peoples' hearts, but internally for those who are confused due to this.  They feel inside this strong and powerful loving nature. A natural longing which all humans feel but they fear the good inside of them and are sometimes so distraught and ashamed that suicide becomes an option for them.


For someone to intrude on one's personal life and denounce their calling in life which is possibly from Christ, is a very degrading and sinful act which does not follow Christ's golden rule.  Which makes the civil rights movement so important today because as long as there is this shameful stance in congregations and gay children are being raised to believe that their love is sinful, then we have lots more work to do.  When people like Wilna van Beek, a lesbian woman who denounces her longing to conform to the views of degenerate homophobic Christians, has these seminars which she claims as a message of love and receives standing ovations.  My God, we have lots to do.

All that these ridiculous people are doing is sugar coating this silly movement which is a next generation movement brought on my their successors, who have feared gays for much too long and even told them that God hates them.  It is about time to demolish this evil movement that man has made and continue to show gays that their love is not different nor shameful.  They are beloved children of God and as long as they remain on the path to their calling in life, then they will be blessed.  Even through the hardest times, they still are blessed with God's love regardless of what anybody tells them.  They do not need to feel any blockage from God and they are allowed to grow in their faith... they just need to believe it!

Being apart of the civil rights movement for GSD (Gender and Sexual Diverse) Christians is what has brought the push and doors being opened to where I am today.  I ask of you to pray for me as I see what my options are to start ministering within the church to not only GSD people but also to any person who is in need of ministering.  I am ready dear God and am looking forward to this journey.  I've known for a long time that this was a valued path in my heart and it brings me happiness and excitement to see if God will bless me with such a path.

Friday 22 November 2013

The Elders are Floating on Our Water

Remain in the Lord's steadfast love; through his love we will fly,
for when we feel it kick in, we rise like a phoenix in a flame.

Do the best with what you have; because the world is a jungle,
Be thankful in the Lord, and count your blessings.

Question the Lord; for there are times we get lost in valleys,
Our Lord is our shelter, and he comforts us when we are faithful.

Do not fear judgement; those who judge you have poisoned hearts,
for each time you fear them, your voice may follow like a snakebite.

Do not argue with your elders; for they come from another time,
for each generation changes, and your actions are like shouts from the tallest mountain.

Do not fear your insights; for if no man has heard them, you will never be called wise.
As each man grows older, their world becomes a ship floating on your water.

The wicked will blame you; but never stop the Lord's calling of you,
for they take discomfort in change, and lack the wisdom he has taught you.

Follow the path the Lord has set for you; and fly like the flaming phoenix.
Whose flames will surely disintegrate the snakes who bite at your heart.

Friday 15 November 2013

Reconciling My Grudge Against Women

When I was ten years old, my Father left home because my parents separated.  I remember looking out the window of my mother's car on the way to my grandparents' condo and quietly crying after he left.  I tried to hold back the tears as much as I could but I couldn't stop.  My older sister said "Ryan, I know that you're crying."  I knew there was no hiding it.  "I know," I told her.  I normally don't like to mention family issues to the public, so I'll try my best to keep it brief without too many details.

Shortly after my parents separated my father started seeing another woman which I saw as a threat.  I hated her for causing my father to see me less and there was a lot of turmoil between us, especially when they moved in together.  I saw less of him as I grew into my teen years because there were lots of emotions flying around with our family.  Eventually my father remarried which I was not happy with.  I remember making fun of my stepmother during the reception with my best friend.  I was immature and wanted to put all of the blame on my stepmother.  Today everything that happened back then is "water under the bridge" and I have found a more civil relationship with my father and stepmother.

What happened back then seems to have formed a grudge in my heart against women who become closer to a male friend of mine that has become dear to my heart.  I have always valued male bonding time a lot, especially because I didn't get to have much of it during my early childhood.  Things really started acting up when I started falling in love with male friends who started dating girls.  But there was a difference between what happened between my stepmother and I and my crushes' girlfriends.  I found it necessary to be nice to them in order to spend more time with these crushes of mine.  I would think of ways of how to get closer to my friends than their girlfriends.  But of course some of these guys were quite heterosexual.

I fell in love with a lot of straight guys because that was all I seemed to like at the time.  Maybe it had to do with wanting to take a guy away from a woman rather than a woman taking a guy away from me, like with my stepmother.  I do sometimes fantasize about having a masculine and attractive boyfriend to flaunt around and be like "In your face girls!  He's mine!" ;)  Probably not one of my healthiest reasons to want a man but I'm not afraid to admit it.

Recently, I realized that my grudge is still there at times.  My friend, who will remain nameless, was sharing his relationship issues with me and after realizing how controlling his girlfriend is trying to be over him, I started to get very irritated.  He started telling me about people she wouldn't let him see and he was quite upset by this.  Then he brought up that she didn't like me and that if I were to ever come over to his place, then she should know so that she isn't there.  I looked at him with disgust in my eyes and said "what a cunt!"  No, I don't have a crush on this friend of mine, but he is a close friend who is dear to my heart.

This grudge is still here sometimes, but today I realize that I am able to call a lot of friends' girlfriends my friends.  My best friend, the one who I had a crush one and we made fun of my stepmother together as immature boys.  I'm totally cool with his fiance and they both are really excited about me being the best man at their wedding.  I'm actually quite close with his fiance and we have a blast together.  No grudge there whatsoever and I am striving to make things better between those women I may have harsh words for.

It just seems to be when a woman tries to mess with a bond that I have with a guy that I might get agitated with a little more fury due to my past experiences.  I now realize that I could have handled things better when my friend was sharing with me, but I guess it's just something to remember for next time.

Friday 8 November 2013

Gay Love is Hard to Find when You're a Christian

All through my life I have had crushes and want to be made feel special by a guy who would never leave me.  Although I have never found a guy like that in a physical nature, there has always been one guy who always stayed with me and whom does make me feel special.  God.  My relationship with him has had it's struggles but we have always seemed to come back to each other.

When other gay guys see that I am a Christian and how strong my faith is, many of them automatically choose to judge me and they don't want anything to do with me.  It reminds me of the Christian community in some ways.  If I am not up to par with what they believe, then I am seen as degraded.  Since I don't care how they see me in a way where nothing could change my mind, they judge me even further.

It saddens me to see that there are so many other gay guys who see me in such a way and it makes it more difficult to find someone besides God to make me feel special and never leave.  Someone who I can fulfill my longings with.  Someone who will love me for me and not hate on me just because I have certain beliefs.  Most importantly I long for a guy who understands me and is willing to understand me regardless of any religious beliefs I may have.  I don't feel that these are tall orders but just guidelines to maintain a healthy relationship.

I've been on many dates and still have not found the second thing in my life that I am truly passionate about, the first is God.  I don't do well when I am alone as you may have read from a previous blog about my sex addiction.  I would really love to have someone to come home to and cuddle with.  Someone who would ask me how my day was and really listen but it seems to be a really hard thing to find in my position on this earth.

I'm a friend to many and I scream positiveness.  I'm one of the good guys but I fall short on the scale a lot when people see my religiousness.  I'm sure many Christians judge me as disconnected from Christ, but as you can see I usually am disconnected from expressing love intimately with another guy.  My beliefs are what holds me back in life a lot but I'm not about to give up on them since they're the only things that has keep a good head on my shoulders.

You don't have to be a Christian to be my boyfriend, in fact my last boyfriend was agnostic and we stayed together for nearly a year.  We respected each other's beliefs and never looked down at each other when we talked about our beliefs.  Because it seemed to be more important to us to stay positive and be there for each other.

I live in hope and prayer that God will send me that guy I've been waiting for all of my life.  I wont give up and will continue to go on dates, hoping that someone sticks.  I'm sure many would agree that I deserve to be happy, so next time think twice before treating a Christian gay like garbage.  He just might be your Angel. ;)

Saturday 2 November 2013

I'm a Christian Who Listens to "Satanic" Music

Marilyn Manson, Korn, Limp Bizkit, Bad Religion and Tool are just some of the bands that I listen to on an average work day.  That's right, I'm a rocker and I like my beats giving me a hard rhythm throughout my day.  Oh, and God forbid I also love the lyrics!  I must be very far from God's path since I support artists like these, right?

Let me ask all of those who stay away from music like this because they believe the music produced is sinful to listen to a question.  Why do you think it's sinful to hear an artists opinions?  It seems to me that many churches today accept situations when their members are expressing themselves and venting to their fellow Christians, even if they don't completely agree with what they have to say.  I think that it's pretty healthy the vent out all of your emotions and thoughts and especially support those people who are in need of being listened to.


"But this music will corrupt our children!"  That's a famous line that I hear a lot in the Christian community.  But my opinion on the matter is that if kids are attracted to this music and expressing themselves through it, then we shouldn't throw their music in the trash.  Sit down and listen to the music with them, read the lyrics if you don't understand what they're saying.  Avoid comments like "This is garbage" or "It's Satanic" because this will only show them that their parents aren't willing to understand them.


We shouldn't judge the artists either.  Every artist has their reasons why they write certain lyrics or participate in certain songs.  Do some research on these artists and find out why they make the music they do.  Listen to what they say in their songs and find out why they vent certain emotions because to many artists making music is therapeutic.  Just because you know someone who listens to a guy like Marilyn Manson doesn't mean they're taking every verse to heart.  There are probably just some similarities between the listener and the artist.


I love hearing any person speak their mind and being immensely real about what they feel inside.  I may not agree with everything that the person says but I strive to understand individuals whomever they may be.  I like to hear about their upbringing and all of the things that happened who made them who they are today.  When these individuals have crazy musical talent, it just makes it that much easier and entertaining to hear what they have to say.  I believe that in order to be a disciple of Christ, we really need to listen as much as we spout off our beliefs.  Otherwise, we're just being disrespectful and arrogant to the artists and even the listeners.


I can say that personally, listening to these artists has made me a better person and even a little wiser.  My beliefs in Christ are stronger than ever now that I view these people under a more humane view and people are willing to hear my stories about how Christ impacted my life over the years.  Because I am also open to hearing why people have different beliefs than me.  I respect people and am against manipulation.  I have lost some respect for those who have underlying agendas to "save" people based on their situations.  That seems ridiculous to me because the way I see it that God puts people in your life because he wants you to listen to them and share with them.


It's not about what you do to their hearts, it's what God does to their hearts.  There's nothing wrong with hoping they take a leap of faith for Christ but we need to be respectful to peoples' lives.  That also means not digging for information just to find ways to support your theories.  Then all that you are being is a user and that's one of the worst ways you could treat somebody.  Show genuine interest in who they are and don't be afraid to show them who you are.  Don't "ease" them into the God talk either.  It's better to be upfront about who you are because it's a lot more respectful.



Ephesians 4:29-32 ESV


Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.


Remember that these artists are people and that they deserve respect even if you don't agree with them.  They have the right to express themselves, it is okay to like them and listen to what they have to say.  It's okay to appreciate their talents that they have and to hear them out.  Listen with a sincere heart rather than a defensive heart and their willingness to listen will provide them with a better understanding of Christianity.  Maybe God will touch their hearts through you or maybe he wont.  Either way, just be a caring friend and appreciate people for who they are and the walk of life they are on.